What is Attachment Theory?

Do you find yourself making the same mistakes again and again when it comes to dating? Do you struggle to connect with people and ‘make it work’? Or do you feel you don’t really deserve closeness and intimacy?

Your attachment style could be a big factor here.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment Theory has been around for a long time, but it’s getting more and more talked about. Psychologists in the 1960s found that the way infants ‘connect’ with their caregivers is a key part of emotional development. When babies experience a need (for example, feeling sick or scared), their ‘attachment system’ is activated.

The way the caregiver interacts with the child and makes them feel is their first lesson in ’emotionally relying’ on another person. This sets the foundation for learning about trust, how to respond to emotions, and how people will respond to their emotions. It sets a blueprint for other bonds they’ll create throughout your life, and can have a big impact on their relationships.

The theory says that if your caregivers treated you kindly and made you feel assured and safe, you’ll likely have a ‘secure’ attachment style and be able to form healthy connections and relationships. If they made you feel more stressed, like a burden, or they didn’t respond at all, you might find you have a harder time connecting with other people. Let’s dive deeper into this…

The 4 Attachment Styles:

🛡️ Secure attachment

You feel safe, stable, and set appropriate boundaries (good for you!).

😬 Anxious attachment

Needy, uncertain, low self esteem, trust issues, strong need for attention. Examples: you have a big fear of abandonment and often worry if people will leave you. You start to panic if your date doesn’t text you back. You have low self-esteem and look for reassurance or validation from others. You can be codependent and have difficulty setting boundaries.

🏃 Avoidant-dismissive

Afraid of relying on others, uncomfortable getting too close, tends to withdraw. You don’t like commitment, and instead want to stay ‘free’ and independent. You don’t fully trust or rely on others, and you don’t want them to rely on you. You pull away when relationships get more serious.. you say it wouldn’t work out for practical reasons or small issues, but really, you weren’t trying to make it work anyway. You struggle to fully feel or reveal your emotions. You may seem confident, but deep down you feel you are flawed.

😨 Disorganized/oriented

Feel you don’t deserve love or closeness, emotional extremes. You may have dramatic or unstable relationships, experiencing intense emotions or mood swings. You may have an unstable sense of self and often change your mind about what you want in life or relationships. You may feel you need closeness, but then you push people away. You fear rejection, and have difficulty fully connecting with people.

Quiz: What’s your attachment style?

Attachmentproject.com has a free quiz! Answer the questions to quickly find out your attachment style.

Should I try to change my attachment style?

Analyzing your attachment style could help you better understand yourself (or others) and improve your future relationships, platonic or romantic.

While it’s true that your attachment style has deep roots, it’s possible to change it. Nothing is predestined. It’s never too late to get to know yourself better, overcome old wounds and start making choices that bring you more happiness.

And likewise, there are TONS of factors that impact your happiness, so don’t dwell too much on this one thing if it doesn’t serve you to. Attachment theory could be just one useful tool in better understanding yourself.

Find out more about Attachment Theory

Articles:

Books:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Dr. Lindsay Gibson
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin